The Stages of Healing


Taken from The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis


Although most of these stages are necessary for every survivor, a few of them - the
emergency stage, remembering the abuse, and confronting your families are not applicable for every person.


The Decision to Heal - Once you recognize the effects of abuse in your life, you need to make an active commitment to heal. Deep healing happens only when you choose it and are willing to change from within.


The Emergency Stage - Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw your life into utter turmoil. Remember, this is a temporary stage and it won't last forever.


Remembering - Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them as children. Those who do not forget the actual incidents often forget how it felt at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling.


Believing It Happened - Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to
believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt you, is a vital part of the healing process. It is important not to minimize what happened to you. Minimizing is a method often used as a coping skill.


Breaking The Silence - Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Telling another human being about what happened to you is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim, and help you to separate the truth from the lies.


Understanding That It Wasn't Your Fault – Children usually believe that abuse is their fault. Believing it was their fault can also be used as a way to cope. A child's logic translates into "If I caused it, then I could change it if I wanted to,” therefore helping them to feel more powerful. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs - directly on the shoulders of the abusers.


Making Contact With The Child Within - Many survivors have lost touch with their
own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child part of you that was wounded can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser, and greater intimacy with others.


Trusting Yourself - The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own perceptions, feelings, and intuitions forms a new basis for being able to trust. You begin to trust yourself to know who is trustworthy.


Grieving and Mourning – As children being abused, and later as adults struggling to
survive, most survivors haven’t felt their losses. Grieving is a way to honor your pain, validates the truth of what happened and what it has cost you - to then let go and move into the present.


Anger – The Backbone of Healing - Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who did not protect you is pivotal to healing. Only then are you able to express it in a healthy way.


Disclosures and Confrontations – Directly confronting your abuser and/or your family is not for every survivor, but it can be a dramatic cleansing tool. However, it should rarely be done in the beginning stages of healing. When done too soon and without proper support it can be more harmful than helpful.


Forgiveness – Forgiveness is NOT excusing or minimizing the wrong that has been done. Rather it is consciously acknowledging the wrong and releasing the offender to one who has the power to vindicate justice.


Spirituality – Spirituality is a uniquely personal experience and relationship. It is not
religion or legalism. Abused people tend to superimpose their perfectionism onto what they believe is required of them.


Resolution and Moving On – As you move through these stages again and again, you will reach a point of integration - your feelings and perspectives will reach a point and stabilize.


You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won’t erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.