Definitions of Abuse
Abuse is defines as any act that causes an indivual to do something he/she does not want to do, prevents him/her to do, or causes him/her to be afraid.
Physical Abuse
If you have blocked or otherwise not allowed a person to move or leave, slapped, shaken,
pushed, punched, beaten, choked kicked, stabbed, thrown objects, used a weapon, swerve
your car at someone or with someone in the car you wanted to scare or intimidate, shot at a
person or threatened to any of the above.
Sexual Abuse
If you have forced unwanted sex acts, forced sex with others watching, used demeaning sexual
names, touches someone who did not want to be touched, were unfaithful, threatened
unfaithfulness or made false accusations
Emotional Abuse
If you have isolated a partner from friends and family members, made threats of abuse,
humiliated a partner in public, ignored your partner when talking, insisted a conversation
continue when your partner has been asleep or needs a break, or have used your children as
pawns in a conflict with your partner.
Verbal Abuse
Criticizing, derogatory name-calling, yelling demeaning someone's personal appearance or
demeaning a person's worth (i.e. no one else will want you, you are stupid, etc.)
Mental Abuse
If you tell your partner that they are crazy, say that "it" never happened. "It is only in your
mind", play games with the truth and tell lies to confuse your partner.
Environmental Abuse
Not creating a safe place for you, your partner and your children to live. For example,
punching holes in the walls, not paying the bills and losing heat, water, phone etc. Not having a
phone in the house to keep the police from being called, pulling out the phone line when
angry, breaking other's possessions, breaking established house rules (i.e. smoking), bringing
unwanted guests into the house, waking others up when you get home.
Economic Abuse
Controlling the money and decisions regarding financial resources, preventing your partner
from seeking employment or trying to control the employment your partner is seeking. Taking
another person's valued property and/or possessions from them, not having the payments
needed for rent, utilities, etc.
Definitions of Codependency
Codependency is a pattern of painful dependency on compulsive behaviors and a need for approval from others
in an attempt to find safety, self-worth and identity. Recovery is possible.
The Codependent Relationship Questionnaire The C.R.Q. can be used to assess whether or not you are in a
codependent relationship. If you are not currently in a sexual relationship, you can use the C.R.Q. to determine if in the
past you have been in one. If you are currently in a relationship, answer the questionnaire by yourself - place a check
mark next to
Each "Yes" number.
1. Do you place your partner's needs before your own?
2. Have you ever hit or been hit by your partner?
3. Are you afraid to tell your partner when your feelings are hurt?
4. Does your partner tell you how to dress?
5. Do you smile when you are angry?
6. Do you have difficulty establishing personal boundaries and keeping them?
7. Is it difficult to express your true feelings to your spouse?
8. Do you feel nervous and uncomfortable when alone?
9. Do you feel rejected when your partner is spending time with his friends?
10. Do you feel shame when your partner makes a mistake?
11. Do you have sex when you do not want to?
12. Do you withhold sex to get even with your partner?
13. Do you think your partner's opinion is more important that your own?
14. Do you rely on your partner to make most of the decisions in the relationship?
15. Do you become very upset when your partner does not follow your plan?
16. Do you keep silent in order to keep peace?
17. Are you afraid to let your partner know what you are really feeling?
18. Do you feel you give and give and get little or no return?
19. Do you freeze up when in conflict with your partner?
20. Are you unhappy with your friendship?
21. Do you often find yourself saying, "its not that bad?
22. Do you feel you are "stuck" in the relationship?
23. Do you have to control your emotions most of the time?
24. Do you lose control of your emotions during times of conflict?
25. Do you feel that your relationship would fall apart without your constant efforts?
Total Number of Yes answers: _______
A total score of 5 or more yes answers indicates that you may be in or have been in a codependent
relationship. The higher the number of yes answers, the more dysfunctional the relationship. From 1 to 7
answers indicate a mildly dysfunctional relationship, from 8 to 18 yes answers indicate a moderately
dysfunctional relationship and 19 to 25 yes answers indicate a severely dysfunctional relationship.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
Telling all
Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting
Falling in love with a new acquaintance
Falling in love with anyone who reaches out
Being overwhelmed by a person-preoccupied
Acting on first sexual impulse
Being sexual for your partner not yourself
Going against personal values or rights to please others Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries
Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don't want
Touching a person without asking
Talking as much as you can get for the sake of getting
Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving
Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you
Letting others direct your life
Letting others describe your reality
Letting others define you
Believing others can anticipate your needs
Expecting others to fill your needs automatically
Falling apart to someone who will take care of you
Self-abuse
Sexual and physical abuse
Food and chemical abuse
Psychological effects of trauma and abuse
Extreme and frequent periods of depression
Poor self-esteem: feeling desirable only when fulfilling the needs and expectations of others. Worthless if one can't provide sex or must work
to get love and approval.
Antisocial or extremely aggressive behavior
Consistent confusion between affection and sexuality; often resulting in sexual dysfunction, promiscuity or further abuse.
Excessive jealousy, possessiveness
Dissociation: consistent detachment from emotions and self; feeling frequently like an object. Out of touch with body.
Multiple personality. Section of time blocked out.
Fear of trusting
Self mutilation, cutting, hitting, burning self
Somatic complaints: headaches, lower bowel dysfunction, ulcer, urinary tract infections; frequently from an early age
Promiscuity or prostitution
Alcoholism or substance abuse.
Eating disorders: compulsive overeater, anorexic, bulimic
Extreme and pervasive quilt: feeling self-blame for being the cause of the abuse and the family dysfunction
Outbursts of unreasonable violent rage
Isolation and extreme feelings of loneliness, withdrawn
Sleeping disorders: waking up at night, trouble sleeping, to much sleeping
Destructive relationship patterns or withdrawal from forming relationships.